I Am Stronger- I Am Victorious

Many poeple has asked me,"what have you learned this summer"?How was you summer? Words in a couple minutes can not explain at all what I have learned and what God has revealed to me. 

Some people know and others don't. My boyfriend and I of 2 years and 8 months broke up a couple days before the trip ended. Does it hurt?Yes it hurts a lot because the man I loved for so long is no longer in my life. The person I use to call first when good news happened is not there any more. The person I went to when tears were overwhelming my eyes is no longer there to give me comfort or a shoulder to cry on. The relationship my boyfriend and I had is no longer the same. 

Many people wonder why I am not mad at him or wanting to get back at him or make him pay. The thing is…pay for what? He and I apparently have been feeling the same thing, him it was just longer than mine. We both felt God tugging on our hearts that we should let go of our relationship and refocus it on the most important relationship…mine and God's.

Do I believe love is a choice…YES. God gave us free will to do what we want and God does not make or choose who we date. But I do believe God knows what is best for us. I believe that Lyle and I were not ready for the next step because individually we were not our own person. I know for me, I did put a lot of who I was in my relationship with Lyle. I only thought I was beautiful because I had someone there to tell me I was beautiful. I thought I was worth something because I had someone there to tell me all the things I needed to hear. But deep down I knew something was not right in my heart. 

The image I had was at the beginning of training camp. It was the image of me sprinting towards a cliff. I stopped before I hit the edge and heard something say let go and you will be free. I remember staring down and wondering what do I need to let go of? The thing that came to my head was Lyle and I said no this is not of God. I love this man and I choose him. But something told me that there is more out there for me and that he was holding me back. But I continued to ignore it because I loved Lyle and I wanted too us to the end.

I know God revealed much more when I had my first one on one with our leader benny. I remember talking to him and we started talking about Lyle and when we did I felt something in his eyes that he knew Lyle and I were going to end our relationship. I did not want to ask about it because I was afraid to. But the thing that got me was that he said the same thing I imagined. About me running towards the cliff and if I just let go of what ever was holding me back, God would use me in some sick ways.

As the trip went on God revealed more and more of who I was in him. That I am CONFIDENT, a WARRIOR, and REDEEMED. That one was probably my favorite because I have been redeemed. No one can make me feel the guilt of my past sins because God has sent his son not only to rid away the sin, but also the guilt of the sin. Confident is the word that I learned in the matter I am a daughter of a king. I am BELOVED by the king of kings. I am protected and my strength is not in my hands, but in my Christ Jesus. And a warrior. Which how exciting is that I am a warrior for Christ. Not many people understand this, but this trip I learned so much about freedom in Christ that some people look at me and think I am weird.

Then as the summer went on we read the book called the birthright which has put in my heart the desire to have more of a relationship with my God through his Word and prayer. Too many times I tried to obtain righteousness by what I did or how well I followed the laws of the old testament. But God calls us to be human beings not human doings. Which I know I am not the only one who falls into this catagory. God spoke to my team about how God really just wants to be intimate with us and not just be something we do with devo and church. For those who are in relationships would you only hang out with your significant other every sunday and every morning for 20 minutes. NO…you have a desire to pursue the person you are with to be more intimate with them. God wants that with us as well.

Then came the day of the break. I called Lyle and we talked on the phone and when we talking something in my heart was not right. So I asked what he was thinking and if there was anything to tell me. He said he had a lot about us with marriage and not feeling were going to be ready. Then something inside said let go. So I asked him has he been thinking of wanting to break up. At first he said no, but I felt the spirit tell me to let go. So I told Lyle if he was not confident in the relationship to let me go. So he did. My mind wanted to fight and be like " no no, I can be better and I can change." But my heart was at peice even though it felt like it just got torn into tiny peices. We said our good byes and I hung up the phone. I did not cry until I left the internet cafe and I remember crying so hard. I didn't even care who saw me.

I remember crying so hard because I felt plaquated. That all the promises made were all just cheap words. And that God really did rock my world because I had my book planned out and now when I look at the book of my life for the future it is all blank pages that I see.No wedding, no house in michigan, no children, everything was gone. And it scared me so much because I had the fear of being alone and not good enough. But I was thankful to have the people from my mission trip because they encouraged me and were there for me so much and they made things so much easier than they could have been.

Now through this I was told I have one of two options. I can either be a virtor of the situation or be a victum. The truth is God has made me stronger than I have ever been this summer. Did I have weak moments and some days I felt utterly alone…YES…but God has been more faithful with his promises and revealing more of who he is through all this.

I am hurting right now because I don't have the person around me whom I loved and our relationship will not be the same as it was. But I am excited for the plans the Lord has for me. Do I know what they look like…no. But I do know I have nothing holding me back because I am getting ready to finally jump the ledge and be like God I am fully yours.

So what did I learn this summer? I learned my identity in Christ. My identity is not in any earthly thing like people, what I do, who I am with, or obtaining an MRS degree by the time I gradutae. I am a daughter of the living God and I know God has a baller husband out there for me, but in the meantime I am excited for the plans that God has for me for now. And people reading this be excited for me as well. I don't need pity or to be sorry for because I am a conqueror through Christ. Isn't that exciting? So rejoice with me that Lyle and I heard the holy spirit and are ready for what God has in stored for us individually.  But be there for us too because both of us are still hurting, but I know God will make us stronger through this.